Saturday, January 1, 2011
IF BEING a mother is like running a company, then the end of the year is probably a good time to release one’s annual report.
This year, Manic Mummy Corporation is proud to announce a profit of x units of happiness.
Productivity is up, with the full deployment of an extra employee named Lucien, aged 14 months, taking staff strength to a total of two. The company invested 100 per cent of its output in staff welfare and development. This investment is expected to mature in 18 years.
Among the senior management, there has been some reshuffling: Co-founder and chief executive Manic Mummy expanded her portfolio this year to include finance and public relations (that is, she took a parttime job outside the home); co-founder and president Supportive Spouse has been promoted to group chairman as a result of a popular vote by the workers’ union.
This internal shake-up resulted in some rumbling among the employees at first – some warnings, suspensions and other disciplinary action had to be meted out.
But, fortunately, nobody was dismissed or retrenched.
In any case, our employees – who require the bosses to serve them, and not the other way round – have tenure and cannot be fired for life.
Meanwhile, the star performer of the company, one Julian, aged 4 1 /2 years, has won himself a corporate scholarship to kindergarten next year.
He will be on study leave, but is expected to still supervise Lucien and helm departments such as Practical Jokes, Silly Gags andWisecracks.
In the year 2011, the corporation is confident of generating revenue in excess of y units of joy. Operating costs, however, are expected to go up exponentially, as employees have indicated a preference for more sophisticated equipment like Training Organised Yard Supplies (Toys).
To answer queries from interested shareholders, we are enforcing a hiring freeze, as two employees seem an optimum number.
Manic Mummy Corporation remains devoted to offering the best in cutting-edge, original motherhood research and experimental methods – ranging from how to entertain a kid who complains he is bored every two minutes, to how to ignore him.
Along the way, the chairman and CEO have learnt a few valuable lessons about human resource:
Be very patient with your employees. Ours are more accurately termed “juvenile interns”, as
they are highly unskilled; come with no contracts, manuals or guarantees; are prone to breaking down frequently; and respond only to repeated, specific instructions.
But some soft coaxing can go a long way with them.
The carrot and the stick must be used in tandem.
Here at Manic Mummy Corporation, our staff package and benefits are more generous than those of many rival companies, but we can also come down like a ton of bricks on employees who seriously offend.
Fine-tuning and balancing the use of incentives and corrective actionmust be a top priority.
Pleasing the public and other shareholders (for example, caregivers, relatives, friends and teachers) can be tricky. Often, they have conflicting advice and opinions on how to stop the employees from revolting.
Take feedback on board, but do not be afraid to steer an unpopular course.
Foster a stick-like-glue mentality in every member of your organization.
Each person is responsible for the conduct of another’s. United we stand, divided we fall.
There is only so much you can delegate.
Rare is the company leader who can go it alone. Appreciate your co-founder and partner.
Thanks for reading and supportingManicMummy Corporation.We look forward to serving you further next year.